This semi-regular column is written (in his own blood) by an automotive sage and noted malcontent, known as The Mechanic. Mercilessly beaten as a child with rolled-up back issues of old car magazines, our free-spoken hero developed a unique "for your own good" take on cars and the auto industry, along with an unfortunate habit of setting himself ablaze. Later, after a distinguished career as an automotive journalist and magazine editor, he cast off the reins of his musty oppressors, carved out his superego with a plastic spork and became The Mechanic.
CONCORD, North Carolina - Day Two of the four-day NASCAR media tour, and The Mechanic must give you a warning about Day Three: Day Two ended at Whisky River, the bar owned by Dale Earnhardt, Jr., where we learned, if you ask for a mint julep, bartenders frown. Anyway, the official motto isn't, but should be, "What Happens at Whisky River Stays at Whisky River, Because You Won't Remember Much About It the Next Day Anyhow." So I'm telling you now: I may miss the opening event of Day Three, which is just a breakfast with NASCAR.com, so no big whoop.
This is, as you hopefully know from reading The Mechanic's dispatch from yesterday, the annual scrum of breathless NASCAR journalists, half of whom seem more interested in whether Tony Stewart or Dale Junior will shave their scruffy beards before the Daytona 500 than anything of importance, but this being NASCAR, "importance" is probably relative. So here's what happened on Day Two:
Aflac/Scotts Breakfast
So far, and that is saying something, the Aflac/Scotts Breakfast was the dullest session, but all the applewood bacon you can eat made up for it. How anybody in Charlotte lives past 50 is a mystery. Maybe the grits help lubricate heart valves or something.
Anyway, Aflac, the insurance company with the duck, and Scotts, the fertilizer company, both sponsor Roush driver Carl Edwards' car, and teamed up to have their executives explain how insurance and fertilizer works. Edwards finally showed up to field some questions, such as, "How come the Aflac duck and you won the same number of races last year?"
Edwards gets a little prickly when you mention that he won six races in 2008, and in 2009, zero. But he works out a lot, and has a baby coming that is scheduled to drop just about the day of the Daytona 500, so he has other stuff to worry about.
The Aflac guy told us all about a new advertising campaign based on the duck called "You Don't Know Quack," which also happens to be a Web site. But he was topped by the Scotts guy who - and I am not making this up - regaled us with what he called "fun facts about grass."
In these parts, if you want applewood bacon, you pay for it. He did, at least, provide members of the media with the most unique parting gift so far: a half-gallon milk jug filled with grass seed for "Tall Fescue Lawns." So if you visit The Mechanic in a few weeks, you'll be able to find his mobile home by the tall fescue, mixed in with the already-tall crabgrass and milkweed.
Richard Childress Racing
Team owner Childress and his drivers Clint Bowyer, Jeff Burton and Kevin Harvick absolutely imploded in 2009 after 2008. The team did not have one car in the Chase for the Championship, or win a single race, but Childress insists they have "turned things around," just like Custer said during a caution period in the Battle of the Big Horn 500.
Childress also showed us his racing grandchildren, who will be competing for Team Lucky Sperm this season. But give Childress credit for knowing at least how to "turn things around" at the end of the press conference: Free Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and two bottles of wine from Childress Vineyards, one of which appears to be "white," the other "red." Which one goes with peanut butter cups?
Richard Petty Motorsports
What is a press conference for Richard Petty Motorsports, when Richard Petty doesn't show up? "Family matters," we were told, which likely meant explaining to Kyle again why he was booted out of the family business by one of Richard's size-12 Tony Lamas.
The faux news was that the merger between Petty and Yates Racing has been finalized, with a driver lineup of Elliott Sadler, Kasey Kahne, Paul Menard and A.J. Allmendinger, who is the only driver whose wife has ever appeared in Playboy, so we figure he has had enough luck in his life. Though that case could be made for Paul Menard, who seems to be able to secure sponsorship from a major hardware chain called "Menard's" no matter how many races he loses.
Ford Lunch With the Wood Brothers and Front Row Motorsports
Held at Charlotte Motor Speedway's exclusive Speedway Club, where you have to ride an elevator to get there, Ford's irrepressible Jamie Kennedy, new head of Ford racing, told us how happy he has to have the Wood Brothers, who have been racing Fords for 60 years, and Front Row Motorsports, who haven't. By the way, this is not the comedian Jamie Kennedy, star of Kickin' It Old School; Ford's Jamie Kennedy is funnier.
The funniest part of the lunch was, though, that rookie of the year candidate Kevin Conway - NASCAR's only rookie for 2010, so far, which tells you something about how that talent development program is working out - is bringing Extenze, the wiener enlargement supplement, to NASCAR Sprint Cup as his sponsor. And, since this is the media press tour, that meant that boxes and boxes of the stuff was sitting around for the media to take home. Not that The Mechanic needs it, you understand, but it would have been rude not to take several hundred.
Roush Fenway Racing
We were bused down to the track's Nationwide garage to talk to Jack Roush and his drivers, the fertilizer-enhanced Carl Edwards, Greg Biffle, Matt Kenseth and David Ragan. Roush drivers won 11 times in 2008, three times in 2009, and that was with five teams: Jamie McMurray was the odd man out for 2010, as NASCAR is limiting ownership to four teams.
So what went wrong, Jack? "We got best-balled on the tweaks and the sanding," he said.
Huh? The Mechanic just sort of sidled away. After all that Extenze for lunch, I didn't want to try and best-ball anybody, even if I knew what that meant.
Roush went on to say he now has 36 engineers, which is like nine per car. Yet Roush complains more than anyone about cost savings in NASCAR? Please.
NASCAR Hall of Fame Dinner
Though the Hall of Fame won't open for another 110 days - there's a countdown on the HOF Web site - we toured the very-much unfinished building, which will be very nice, and had dinner across the street at the Convention Center. We had to wear hard hats, which were ours to keep, almost trumping the grass seed we were given in the morning.
Former driver Ricky Craven showed up to talk about his closest-ever win at Darlington, the last ever in a Pontiac, and how that car was the first "artifact" donated to the HOF. They kept talking about artifacts, and Chris Economaki wasn't even there.
Open Bar at Whisky River
All I have to say is Extenze and malt liquor don't mix. DO NOT try this at home, unless you are a professional.
Day Three we get lunch at Hendrick Motorsports, where Dale Jr. will be asked what Danica Patrick is really like, and why he can't seem to win a race. We also get dinner at Michael Waltrip Racing, who is also funnier than Jamie Kennedy. The comedian. -- The Mechanic, Inside Line Contributor
E-mail me at themechanic@edmunds.com.
f1ndler says:
05:29 PM, 01/20/10
I like that duck:)))
inlinesix says:
07:25 PM, 01/20/10
Well it looks like you're enjoying yourself at least :)
bdj1 says:
08:49 AM, 01/21/10
If you hate nascar and charlotte so much, why are you there?
rascal99 says:
09:42 AM, 01/21/10
@bdj1 - good question. I live in Charlotte and like I tell everyone that moves here, or visits here, and complains....please leave. We already have enough transplants clogging the roadways as it is. And for everyones 911 you would be surprised how few people really like NASCRAP here; however, we are seemingly forever saddled with it's legacy.
SnakeDoctor says:
09:53 AM, 01/21/10
What we got here is the script for Tallagdega Nights Deux. Hillarious.
mboily says:
10:24 AM, 01/21/10
OH man! That's some funny punch liners you have wrinting here Mechanic!!
Is this the script for Talladega Nights 2?
lol...too funny, keep it up!
Can't wait for day 3.
justinlink says:
11:55 AM, 01/21/10
@rascal99: i think you mean 411, though the irony would not be lost on me if you meant otherwise.
keep the satire coming, mechanic.
rascal99 says:
12:32 PM, 01/21/10
@justlink - You are correct, thanks. I don't think it is everyone's emergency :0)
bdj1 says:
02:33 PM, 01/21/10
Rascal99: Exactly. I live in Charlotte as well and am actually from here. While I am not a Nascar fan I do appreciate the jobs and tourism it brings. If the Mechanic really wanted something to make fun of, he should have come to Speed Street! Then he can make fun of all the people from CA and MI who come for the week to see the races.
svt_man says:
06:09 PM, 01/21/10
The Mechanic is wrong about many things, but I'm puzzled about the whole "Jamie Kennedy" thing. Ford's director of North American Motorsports is Jamie Allison, not Jamie Kennedy. I don't understand why the guy has the liberty to change someone's name to make a joke? That's just plain lame.
navigator89 says:
08:02 PM, 01/21/10
"The Mechanic is wrong about many things, but I'm puzzled about the whole "Jamie Kennedy" thing"
No kidding. Here's a fine example of that.
"Edwards gets a little prickly when you mention that he won six races in 2008, and in 2009, zero."
He won six races in 2008? Try nine, genius.